Closing Time, Time for You to Go Out to the Places You Will Be From

To keep with the optimism I seem to have captured in this blog, I decided to use Semisonic’s 1998 hit, “Closing Time.” First, if you haven’t heard it, here ya go (listen to it…. But then come back!) :

Regardless of your interpretation of the lyrics of this song, there is one resonating quote towards the end of the song that most people my age either title a Facebook album or use as a way to express some sort of false sentimental value, but actually means a lot more than just its nine words.

“Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.”

I’ve touched briefly on the subject before, but I believe the lyrics interpretation hold true. Sometimes, even when things seem to be going wrong or it seems as if everything is slipping away from your fingertips, that’s just the beginning of something else. Have you ever had that moment where you feel as if you’re down in the dumps, and then something miraculous happens? You may not realize it at the time, but you reflect later and see how that ending led to something else. Sometimes when one door closes, another opens, is a similar mentality.

While I admit, it’s hard to think this way in the moment, if we all could take a step back and think this way it might benefit us all. Thinking that with everything bad that happens a good thing might come of it might be a little bit TOO optimistic, but why not.

For example, when you break up with that guy who you thought was “the one” who made your heart melt, who made you giddy every time he smiled at you…yeah, your life will suck for a little while, and you might be completely miserable… but eventually you’re not, and you move on, and you’re ok. And it’s at that moment where you realize what about that fantastic person wasn’t so fantastic… or, what you want from the next person you embark on a relationship with. You learn who you are, what your needs are, and how some of that amazing stuff was probably created in your head because of the love that blinded you from seeing maybe the “real truth.”

But, it applies to everything in life besides love, although we all know that’s my favorite topic. When you graduate or when you move past one phase of your life, new things happen. You meet new people, learn more about yourself, and continue to constantly grow and shape and mature into the person that you were meant to be.  Some people may say it is some higher power … but I think it’s a little bit of fate.

Everyone has a destiny, and all of those ups and downs ultimately lead them to reach it… no matter how rough the going gets, or how tough it seems to me… I have faith we all end up where we are supposed to be.

Waiting, hoping, wishing,

M

Updating the Fairytale

I have been told that the way I think about love is either from a movie (yes its true) or some sort of fairytale that according to most, will never come true. But, I’m going to reject that theory. While I may have thought about that “fairytale” differently when I was younger, I have constantly been updating it.

Who’s to say that it has to stay the same your whole life?

I recently looked up the definition of fairytale and came across this one: a story in which improbable events lead to a happy ending. But, why does it have to be improbable? If you dictate your own life, and you choose the paths that you ultimately take, cant your dreams still come true? No, I’m not talking about a prince showing up in a horse drawn carriage and waltzing over to me bending down on one knee and miraculously producing a 5 carat ring from his pants pocket, although that’d be kind of nice, I’m talking about the adult updated version of that story.

For those of you who are married, isn’t your hubby your prince charming? Didn’t he rescue you from a life of solitude? He may not look like a prince from a Disney movie and may not always say or do the right things, but he’s the guy who loves you unconditionally, is there through the good and the bad, and is a built in best friend. While your life may not look like Cinderella’s (after she is rescued by the prince,) it is your version of a fairytale. Your updated adult mature version.

We need to erase the dictionary definition of fairytale and replace it with, “when a set of events leads to a happy ending.” It doesn’t need to involve fairies or childhood stories, but it can involve the events of your life that ultimately lead to your happiness. It is a more optimistic version.

If we walk around with the mentality that fairytales are childish and improbable, where will that leave us? Probably without the happy endings, and without the happiness we so deserve.

Maybe my thought process is childish for believing in these fairytales, like small children believe in Santa Claus. But, when we were little we were always taught to dream big and discuss our life aspirations and goals. Isn’t this the same thing?

I was talking to my mom yesterday when she assured me that I shouldn’t worry and that one day I would find a man. My response, “I know I will.” I am not cocky, I am just optimistic. I am waiting for prince charming even if he arrives in a simple car with simple clothes, and not perfectly glued hair like the Disney princes I grew up looking at.

Always a princess,

M

Friends with Benefits.... Or Just Benefits?

Last night, as I flipped through the channels on the TV, I came across one of the greatest movies that came out in the past year, "Friends with Benefits." This story is the tale of two friends that decide to turn their friendship into something a little bit more, but sans emotions. As the title suggests, they decide to be friends with benefits. 


While this agreement seems to last, it eventually, of course, includes emotions. Mila Kunis falls in love with Justin Timberlake, who, as any typical guy would be: is clueless (and, is emotionally stubborn: he won't deal with his feelings.) But, as all happy ending movies do, he eventually realizes he loves her.

Kunis always spoke of how she wanted her knight in shining armor to come and rescue her one day (hmm sounds familiar.) So, when Timberlake realizes he loves her, he stages a dramatic romantic moment similar to that in her favorite movie to confess his love.


"You said you wanted to make your life like a movie, so I decided to use the real grand central instead of the fake one" he exclaims when his flash mob sings along to his favorite childhood song in the center of Grand Central Terminal.


Now, if only all men would do these grand gestures, us ladies would be happy.... and our lives would resemble our favorite movies (too bad the real JT cant be the one with the proposal, though.)


But onto the benefits part...


It used to be that if a woman had slept with a multitude of men, she was called a name (slut) or was probably turned away from a potential suitor. Now, though, my generation has flipped this completely upside down (and in turn,  offended the fight women back in the day took to gain equal rights and respect not on the basis of sexuality.)


Now, if you have not slept with a significant number of men, you may face being turned down or rejected. Instead of being labeled a "slut" you are seen to these boys (they are not quite men due to their mentality) as too much of a struggle and not an easy lay.


In 2007, about  30% of American men reported that they had sex with on average 15 or more women in their lifetime (and only 9% of women had sex with 15 or more men.)


Something is wrong with these statistics. If you talk to men aged 20-25, the average number of partners they've been with is probably somewhere between 10 and 20. This means, for almost every year of their life, they have had a sexual partner (keep in mind their sexual escapades probably only started 5-7 years ago, though.)


But, who is to blame for my generations behaviors and mentality? Is it our parents who raised us? Social media which allows us to post and share such information readily? The media which portrays sex as something casual and with "no strings attached" (that's a movie title too...) 


....or is it us? Is it our generation that allows each other to behave in such a manner?


I have to say, as much as I am frustrated with the male part of my generation I cant help but think it's us as women (or girls) who allow this to happen. Those 15-20 women each man is sleeping with, is letting it happen. She is jumping right into bed along with them.


If only we could all slow down and realize that sex has completely lost its significance. Isn't it supposed to be something shared between two people who love each other and have strong feelings towards one another (and then consummate that love physically) ? Maybe my thinking is out-dated or old fashioned, but to me I just cannot imagine that these partners my peers have are emotionally attached or have any significance.


Maybe we're all to blame for this shift, who knows.

food for thought,
M

That One True Love...

“Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.” - Bob Marley


While this quote is long, and I'm sure not everyone reading this read the whole thing, it is the perfect explanation of what not only I hope to find, but know I someday will.


What saddens me is that most girls do not have this belief that not only are they worthy of a man that feels that way about them but also that they will never find one anyways. Yes, I am a hopeless romantic and believe in all the fairy tales, but I really do believe that's a better way to live. When friends tell me that they cant seem to find the right guy (or vent that they never will) I cant help but wonder why they think that. Why do they believe Mr. Fictitious Man who they have created in their head will never find them and if and when he does, that he will think she isn't good enough for him?


I don't look in the mirror every day and think I'm perfect. I don't love the extra fat in a few unnamed places or the occasional blemish that pops up on my face. But, deep down I love myself. I love that I can strike up a conversation with almost anyone. I love that I have the ability to talk to people older than me. I love that I live my life the way I want to live it. And no, I am not a narcissist (although the last few sentences would lead you to believe so,) I have just found a way to love myself for both my great attributes and my pitfalls. I can recognize the things I dislike about myself and attempt to change them. And, that is the first step.


Unless you love yourself, you cannot love anyone else ... and they cannot love you either.  This is something I wish every girl in their late teens and early twenties could realize. You may be happy when you are in a relationship, but one of the most important relationships of all is the one you have with yourself. Learning to love yourself is life-changing.


When I went through my last breakup, I thought the world was crashing down upon me. I hadn't really been "single" for an extended period of time since, well, since too long. I was lost. I didn't know how I'd survive or what I'd fill my free time doing. Someone wise gave me the advice to spend the time getting to know myself. At the time, I laughed it off and thought "obviously I know myself. It's me." But, I really didn't and now looking back, I know what they meant. I have definitely matured over the course of the last year ... and I owe thanks to myself. Yes, myself. Of course there were people and experiences along the way that assisted this growth, but committing to getting to know myself and not jumping into another relationship was the best thing that I could have ever done. I know now what I like and dislike. I know now what I want out of life. I know now who I am and who I want to one day be.


My advice to girls my age: spend a little time alone. You may be lonely at times (I'm not going to say its all fun and dandy) but it's worth it. One day you'll look back as I am and say "wow, that was something I really needed to do for myself." Trust me, its worth it.


Now, onto finding my next love... because enough is enough, and I'm done with dating me.


Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.

M

"Hearts will never be practical until they are made unbreakable." – Wizard of Oz

Well, that quote says it all. We’ve all been through a breakup, and well, let’s just say it’s not exactly a fun thing to have to go through.  The idea of your heart being broken is a weird one. Hearts do physically break… that’s what cardiologists are for, but what about the emotional tearing of a heart? That seems to be something that no medicine, surgery, or even venting can fix. I guess a broken heart just needs some time to mend and to move on.

Ask anyone, and they will tell you they have that one breakup story that shook them completely. Whether they were dumped, broke it off with the other person, or it was mutual—love is a funny thing. What makes the heart feel such strong emotions for someone else? I’ve always pondered the thought. Is it really your heart that hurts? Is that aching really that blood pumping muscle that keeps you alive? I’m not really sure, but what I do know is that something inside you is torn when you lose a loved one.

Falling in love is something extraordinary. Your eyes may not lock across a room like in a frilly chick flick, but that heated emotion you feel when you realize it, is better than a “love at first sight” movie scene. Your heart throbs, you can’t wipe that ridiculous smile off your face, and you suddenly experience the Mean Girl’s coined term “word vomit” about the other person. Your life has suddenly taken a turn for the better, and has just brightened a little bit. Sometimes, you may even want to scream to the world, “I Love Him!”

So, how is it possible that those feelings can just go away? Forever…. Even if it takes time to get to that place. What makes the switch inside change from love to hate, or love to nothing? It’s a bizarre thing, that thing called love.

You love your parents. That’s an innate emotion. You couldn’t imagine anything bad happening to them, and if it does- your world ends. Where does that start? Does it start when as a baby you come out screaming covered in goo? Does it start once you have a better understanding of the world? And how does that emotion relate to that of a romantic relationship?

Every love song is about love and loss (or at least some version of that… country includes a dog and truck and losing them both…) and I can’t help but wonder if we’ve all gone through it, and continue to go through it, then why? Why do we have to. Is there any solution to the inevitable heartbreak?

Here’s to hoping there’s less heartbreak in the future…

I am no tin man (see title if you don't understand this.)

M

Nora Ephron Said It. Part 2

Let's just say, if Nora Ephron says it... you can't really deny it.

I have oftentimes been criticized for my wanting to just "start my life" already. What this means- is get a job, find a man, get married, and live a married life (eat, drink, and be married... sounds pretty nice, huh?) I have been told to slow down, enjoy the moment, not rush my young adult years.

But, what if I feel as if "THE" years haven't begun yet? To some, they may be college and partying and doing activities irresponsible young adults may partake in, but to me they will be walking down the aisle, being with my new husband, making a home and life together, and one day having babies (as disgusting as I currently think babies are.)

Nora Ephron once said, "when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." 

So, peeps reading this... That is how I feel, I just haven't met the guy yet who will whisk me away and make my heart melt. This is my mentality, this is who I am, and I'm proud of it.

 I'm "knot in love" but someday very soon I will be, and then my life as a hopeless romantic will begin and I will start living it.

for better or for worse,

M

I don't want to be in love... I want to be in love in a movie

I’ve oftentimes been told that I am very similar to Annie in Sleepless in Seattle. Becky (Rosie O’Donnell) yells at Annie, her best friend, when Annie is describing what she wants out of her love life after watching a chick flick, “that's your problem! You don't want to be in love. You want to be in love in a movie.” This could not be more accurate for me. But then again, who doesn’t want a head-over-heels-can’t-live-without-you romance in their life?

Nora Ephron sadly passed away at the young age of 71 due to leukemia.  For those of you who may not know her films, she is responsible for Sleepless in Seattle, You’ve Got Mail, When Harry Met Sally, and a multitude of the romantic movies that I have grown up vicariously living my life through. These movies depict messy, intense, heart-wrenching relationships that somehow seem to always pull on my heartstrings and get me to cry.

Whether its Annie and Sam’s relationship fate, or Harry and Sally’s insane friendship which turns into an intense love, or Joe Fox and Kathleen Kelly’s internet relationship which turns into a great love, these movies taught me about romance and fairytales in even the most dysfunctional relationships. I aspire to be those old couples at the end of When Harry Met Sally arguing about how me and my hubby met, who asked who out, etc (but I’d prefer to marry Joe Fox… he has a golden retriever he brings to the park in You’ve Got Mail.)

So, to show appreciation to Nora Ephron and the amazing love stories she created which helped shape my love for love, here are some of my favorite Nora Ephron movie quotes:

Right now everything is great, everyone is happy, everyone is in love and that is wonderful. But you gotta know that sooner or later you're gonna be screaming at each other about who's gonna get this dish. This eight dollar dish will cost you a thousand dollars in phone calls to the legal firm of That's Mine, This Is Yours. – 'When Harry Met Sally

Harry Burns: No man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally Albright: So, you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry Burns: No. You pretty much want to nail 'em too. 

– 'When Harry Met Sally'

All I'm saying is that somewhere out there is the man you are supposed to marry. And if you don't get him first, somebody else will, and you'll have to spend the rest of your life knowing that somebody else is married to your husband.

– 'When Harry Met Sally'

"I love that you get cold when it's 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts. I love that after I spend the day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Year's Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."  - "When Harry Met Sally"

 

Harry: "Would you like to have dinner? Just friends."

Sally:  "I thought you didn't believe men and women could be friends."

Harry: "When did I say that?"

Sally:  "On the ride to New York."

Harry: "No, no, no, I never said that... Yes, that's right, they can't be friends. Unless both of them are involved with other people, then they can... This is an amendment to the earlier rule. If the two people are in relationships, the pressure of possible involvement is lifted... That doesn't work either, because what happens then is, the person you're involved with can't understand why you need to be friends with the person you're just friends with. Like it means something is missing from the relationship and why do you have to go outside to get it? And when you say "No, no, no it's not true, nothing is missing from the relationship," the person you're involved with then accuses you of being secretly attracted to the person you're just friends with, which you probably are. I mean, come on, who the hell are we kidding, let's face it. Which brings us back to the earlier rule before the amendment, which is men and women can't be friends." -- "When Harry Met Sally"

And once again, my all time favorite…

Annie: "Now that was when people KNEW how to be in love. They knew it! Time, distance... nothing could separate them because they knew. It was right. It was real. It was..." Beckie:  "A movie! That's your problem! You don't want to be in love. You want to be in love in a movie." – “Sleepless in Seattle"

in love, in a movie.

M